This is the first step to becoming who I want to be. I'm admitting to the universe that I don't look like I did when I was in high school . . . even when I got married. I know that, but I didn't want anyone I knew as a skinny person to know it.
So I'm really putting myself out there. I'm committing to myself and to the blogging universe to change my life. No more excuses, no secrets. I'm going all-out! Every week, I will record my weight, and every 4 weeks, my BMI. Ugh, scary stuff. I expect jaws to drop when you see my actual numbers, but keep that to yourself, and just send some good thoughts my way, kay?
First things first: Weight Introduction: How I Got Obese
(yes, yes, I know, eating too much. yeah, thanks.)
I've always struggled more or less with my weight. I went through a couple chunky years at the end of elementary/beginning of middle school, but by the middle of high school, I was doing pretty well. Senior year I was about 145, wearing a size small up top and a med/large on bottom. (Curse those hips!) I wasn't stick thin, but I was a really good size for me. But, back then I felt overweight. Now I just feel foolish for thinking that.
When I got to college, I put on the freshman 15. But, for me it was the freshman 20 or 25. I was so excited about choosing my own food! I went to the galley at school--the buffet-type cafeteria--which was probably not the best option for me. Food! Everywhere! As much as you want! (i.e., can stuff in your face.) At home, you had to ask to eat anything, and quantities were rationed. There were lots of mouths to feed. So out on my own, I could eat however much I wanted . . . and I did.
After that first year, I held my weight mostly steady for the next few years. During a study abroad in London, I started putting on some pounds because our cook, Tina, made amazing food, and again, lots of it. But, I caught myself there, and retrenched. By the end of the semester, I was in really good shape from traipsing all over the English countryside. The following summer was a good one for me. I jogged on the treadmill almost everyday, and even joined the ranks of the people who can do multiple miles in one go! Yay!
That school year, I didn't eat very much because I simply didn't have the money to eat. My roommates even put together a box of food with my name on it and left it on the doorstep "anonymously." I didn't exercise a whole lot, but I maintained my weight. I was 170. A little bigger, but not too bad. And I didn't look it. I told myself that I held my weight well. This thought would get me into trouble later.
I met my husband that year, and we got married the following August. I went from being too poor to afford food to rich enough to eat at McDonald's regularly! Which we did. Jeff was a connosieur of McDonald's and we had some money saved up, plus wedding present money, plus grant money, so we ate out a lot, and that's when the bad really started happening. I put on a lot of weight then. I'm not even sure how much. I didn't see it happening. All I know is that when I got pregnant the next April (2008), I looked very pregnant right from the beginning.
By the end of that pregnancy I weighed something like 250 or something. I put on a lot of weight while being pregnant, since I didn't really try to control my eating. Hey, I had a real reason to eat, right? (hint-wrong) But the after Jeffy was born, I hit the walking again. We were staying with my in-laws at the time and they had a nice big two-mile block in their neighborhood that I would walk regularly. And I got down to 215. And then I got pregnant.
I still exercised prego, but not with the intention of losing weight. I wanted to stay the same weight though the whole pregnancy, since I was already overweight, I didn't need to gain any. I only gained 4 pounds the first half of the pregnancy, but then we moved, and the junk food started. I was 260 by the end of that pregnancy. Yuck.
I lost about 40 pounds in the two or so months after Katelyn's birth. So I was down to 220. Things were going pretty well, I was ready to start losing weight for real, but then depression hit. My thyroid went out. I got cold all the time. My hair started falling out fast. I went into a depression. I ate all the time. I knew what it was doing to me, and I couldn't stop--I couldn't make myself care. I went onto some medication for my thyroid and started seeing improvement everywhere in my life after about 6 weeks. I'm not depressed anymore, that's the big one. (And my hair seems to finally have STOPPED falling out! Hallelujah!)
So that's basically where we are now. I don't know what I weigh, since I'm not going to the doctor regularly for pregnancy or anything and we don't have a scale. So I guess that's the first step-- acquire a scale, weigh myself, and set some goals. I can do it. And I hope you'll help support me.
Thanks.
